Darling, Thank You For Breaking My Heart

I was watching a video of the Wong Fu Productions called “From Here on Out” and this line stuck by me,

You gave me a friendship during a very difficult time, and this is my way of saying thanks. I don’t know when and where we’ll see each other again, all I know is when we do, we’ll both have grown in ways we’ve never expected.

You know what I realized, if it weren’t for me being heartbroken over you, I wouldn’t have made that spontaneous trip to Baler, I wouldn’t have met my new found friends. I wouldn’t have spent so much time in the cafe that I realized bussing tables and waitressing was something I would’ve enjoyed.

I wouldn’t have pushed myself to renew my passport and spend over three weeks in La Union, I wouldn’t have known the lovely people there. I have gotten to know myself through going through the struggles, I have learned to accept things along the way.

I have learned that with this much love I have, the universe gives back as much. With this much love I have given, the universe gave me back as much, in the form of people, new friendships, connections, and the beauty of nature.

Darling, I told you, you will always have a place in my heart. My love for you is always. I’m sorry for not seeing it, but you’re more than a blessing to me, and for that, I am grateful. You showed me that my heart is bigger than it seems, you made me welcome more people to love.

mari_fotor

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Dear twenty three year old self,

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I know you’re thinking you’re living your life, but believe me, your adventure is yet to start. Don’t even bother with that boy you know from the past, his on-and-off girlfriend is pregnant. You’ll also meet someone who will make you laugh. You’ll fall in love with him but he’ll hurt you along the way. Be patient with him, learn how to forgive him fully. Things will not work out, and if you can leave, leave right away. You’re probably thinking he’s the guy you want to marry, but no. It’s not meant to happen. You’ll be alright, don’t worry. If you could, maybe leave that job you’re excited to get as soon as you feel it’s right. Trust your gut, believe me, your gut will save your ass from all the stress and unhappiness.

You’re not safe from what people call “the quarter-life crisis”, but you’ll learn a lot from it. You’ll find out what you want. People will question your choices, and you will prove them wrong. Your love for surfing, even if you don’t surf as much, will take you places. You will come to know yourself more.

Learn how to drive a motorbike, it will come handy. You will suck at surfing, and it’s okay, don’t take it seriously, don’t be too hard on yourself. Maybe work on your upper body strength to help you with it. Also, learn how to cook, and don’t be lazy.

The independence you’ve been yearning will come to you soon, don’t worry, Mom and Dad will try their best to understand you, just make them realize why you want this, explain it with a level head. (Surprise, you’re living in an island after four years!)

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Don’t be afraid to meet people, you’ll love it. You’ll be able to manage your social anxiety, just be yourself, the right people will love you for it.

Above everything else, learn how to forgive yourself. Your choices are yours, how you choose to live your life is up to you. You will fuck up, definitely. You’ll fuck up more than you hope, and it’s okay. Take it as a learning experience. Love yourself and you’ll be fine.

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Love,

Your twenty-seven-year-old self

mari_fotor

Don’t Fall In Love With A Traveler

I made the mistake of falling for one, and when I look back, here are the things I realized..

Highly likely, you’re not part of the plan.

They have plane tickets booked in advance, even before you happened. They already have plans, and chances are, you will not be a part of it.

You will have to rely on WhatsApp or Instagram to talk to them. 

Unless you’re not into that, stop.

They’re constantly moving, and if you don’t have the capacity to follow around, just don’t bother.

What I realized is I’m a traveler too, I like the company, I love having someone around. The difference is, I don’t have a plan, and even I can’t handle my uncertainty.

Don’t fall in love with me unless you can keep up. 

You’ve Been Unexpectedly Beautiful, 2017

If I say that 2017 has been a whirlwind of emotions, that would be an understatement. I feel like I always write a year-end entry talking about how bla bla bla. 2017 has been a breath of fresh air for me, especially the latter part of the year. Earlier this year, I tried to ‘travel-solo’ but not really cause I went to Baler, and the kids were with me, looking out for me. Now that I’m thinking about it, my midyear literally just flew by.

The latter part of this year, I got out of an almost four year relationship, forced myself into solo travel and fell in love too quickly with someone else. I also went to more parties than I have in the last 5 years, had one too many guys in my life, and I’ve also had more beers than I have in the last 4 years-ish. I also tried things I’ve been meaning to try but always had an excuse not to. I renewed my passport, stayed at a hostel, met a lot of wonderful people, managed my anxiety better, talked to cute boys and went out on dates.

I’ll admit, I lost a lot of people in my life because of the breakup and because of my choices, but I think it speaks volumes and it’s okay. People that we lose aren’t meant to stay. In return, I’ve met tons of wonderful and kind people, people who see past whatever my choices were and still accept me regardless. I have learned a lot about myself as the year was nearing its end. I have also come in to terms with my feelings and anxiety. I am slowly learning to not compartmentalize what I feel about things, sometimes, things are just are. I am also learning how to slow myself down when I’m over thinking and over analyzing a situation. (Key words: Trying and slowly.)

This year is a year for growth and getting to know myself more. It isn’t as bad as I was expecting. I mean, when I became single, I fell in love right away to another boy, which is a little bit out of character. Well, everything happening to me because of my choices are out of character, but I guess that’s how you grow. Anyway, the boy who I fell in love with ended up breaking my heart, I can’t blame him, he has his life ahead of him, and he cannot afford an ‘excess baggage’. My anxiety worsened and I relied on beer to put me to sleep. I went to La Union to try things differently. There I met a lot of wonderful souls who’ve helped me understand what’s going on and has guided me on how to manage whatever is happening in my head. I met another guy, who’s worth mentioning as he’s been making me genuinely laugh the past few weeks. I will be honest, I do not see a future with him as our arrangement is quite interesting – to say the least. But, it doesn’t scare me, for now, I’m making the most out of the time we’re together.

I’ve met and became friends with beautiful souls who are beyond lovely, who listens to my stories no matter how senseless they are, tries to give me brotherly and sisterly opinions, who encouraged me to go after what I want, be more sociable and things like that. I am forever grateful to these people, my friends from the hostel, who always puts me in the bawang committee, who makes me laugh and lets me be myself.

I feel like this entry is all over the place. There’s so much to say, it’s just that I’m at a loss for words right now. 2017 has been insane and messy yet beautiful at the same time. It’s a year of self learning and growing, filtering out what people has to say, hearing the words of encouragement as they’re coming from a place of love.

For the first time in a really long time, I am excited for the coming new year. I’m looking forward to you, 2018.

mari_fotor

 

 

 

I Fell In Love with a Boy Who Continuously Break My Heart

Unknowingly, unwittingly.

I fell in love with a boy who I had a beautiful connection with.

It was short lived, but it didn’t feel like it. With him, the past and the future didn’t matter. What mattered was the present, the time we have together.

He made my heart full in ways he couldn’t imagine. The way he held me close, the way he touched my soul.

But this boy, continuously breaks my heart. Said there shouldn’t be an us.

Said we should remain friends.

My heart has been longing, missing him.

On days where I feel like I’m moving on, accepting this fact.

He would reach out. Not that I don’t want to, but it’s a constant reminder of how we’re never are.

The Strangers We Meet

Six days after getting back to Manila, I hopped on a bus and went to Baler, a small surf town in the north-eastern part of Luzon. The weather wasn’t perfect, I just wanted to get away. It was definitely unplanned and I had no place to stay or anything. I’m glad I had friends who covered me for the first few days, who also kept me sane and company. I moved to a hostel on my third day and kept pushing my stay. I ended up spending a lot of time in the cafe of the hostel, working or just hanging out and having beer. One local called me out on it as when we met the night before I had a bottle in hand, and when he saw me the following day, I have one again.

Being alone actually felt nice, of course some days are shittier than others and the nights are the loneliest, it’s when I miss TinderBoy the most. But also, being alone allowed me to meet and talk to people. As I was having a conversation with someone I met one evening, he asked, “Do you always talk to strangers?”, and I realized I have been talking to a lot of strangers. I met a really nice Burner, a Filipina – who by the way we’ve already interacted through FB, the stranger who asked me that question, and a group of friends from Manila.

I’ve been to Baler so much but that last trip was by far the most interesting experience, believe me when I say that, I’ve stayed in Baler for a little over a month, but this two week trip beat that. One extremely busy night in the cafe, I had no place to hang out since I no longer have a room to stay in, and I intend to travel back to Manila that evening, I ended up bussing tables, talking to customers, handing out utensils, calculating tabs, and even taking and serving small orders, all the while I was downing bottles of beers. As I was having a cigarette outside after what seemed like a very long night of just trying to kill time, someone greeted me and talked to me. We ended up having more beers, and he thought I was working for the cafe as he said I gave the menu to their party. We had a couple more beers and he invited me to meet his friends, all were very nice. They were concerned when they found out I had plans of leaving at midnight and insist on me staying in their room. Such sweet kids they were, I asked why they trust me so much. I ended up staying two more nights and hitching a ride with their group back to Manila.