Last night, while casually hanging out with a friend, I felt an episode coming in. The thing about my episodes, more often than not, they’re not triggered by anything. Unlike what other people think, my anxiety and depression may or may not be triggered by my “awful choices”.
What’s more frustrating is no one sees what’s going on inside. On the outside, I still laugh and smile, and do the best I can to be a functioning adult. On the inside, I am fucking struggling, and I constantly feel like wanting to throw up, I feel like there’s something weighing down my chest and it is ridiculously difficult to breathe. I just want to be in bed right now, and cry maybe, or sleep, or I don’t know. I just don’t want to see people, and I just want to wallow in this shiftiest that I’m feeling. I don’t want to sound melodramatic, but fuck me, I can’t even explain what’s going on in my head.
As much as I really just want to be with myself, I’m afraid of the loneliness creeping in. As much as I just want to dump all responsibilities aside, I can’t. I have to fend for myself cause this independent shit as much as I love it, is fucking killing me.
And I fucking hate myself for letting others get to me, more often than not, I couldn’t care what other people think. As much as I want others to understand what I’m going through, it’s what even I can’t explain.