I am in deep rut. And for the first time in a while, I feel really alone.
I always say how much in deep shit I am but I feel like nobody has been taking me seriously, probably because I seem fine. I am just holding myself together cause I have no one but myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely blessed that I found people that takes care of me, and has never left my side. But right now, I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown.
For once, I would like to be able to talk to someone and not hear “Yeah, me too” or “I’m going through something too”, cause no shit. I know we’re all going through something, I know we’re all up against something. But for once, I’d like for someone to actually listen to me. Cause relating to someone’s problem or talking about your own isn’t good listening. I also don’t need any advice, cause I fucking know what I need to do. I just need to let shit out.
I have hit rock fucking bottom, and if I’m being honest, I don’t know where to start talking about it. I told a good friend about this, that the reason why I haven’t actually opened up is because I haven’t forgiven myself. I guess the biggest person I failed, is me. And that’s the worst kind. I fucked up real bad cause I tried to rely on others rather than relying on myself.
I sound super fucking contradicting and this might be the shittiest entry I’ve ever done, but I am defeated. I don’t know what to do with myself.
Don’t worry, I’m not gonna kill myself. Shipping my body from the island to Manila might be too costly and I don’t wanna burden my parents with that.