Dear mom,

It’s been crazy out here, I’ve been making choices you wouldn’t be particularly proud of. I went partying two nights in a row, I wasn’t drunk or anything, but I know my choices and actions aren’t something you would approve of.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned Island Boy, the boy who broke my heart – just kidding, he kinda stepped on my ego. But then I realized it’s really not me, it’s him, it’s not about what I did or didn’t do, it’s just who he is. Other than the shitshow we had, he’s taught me how to be carefree and just to enjoy life. Our short-lived non-existent relationship reminded me who I was before being in a long term relationship, it’s actually nice.

I also spent quite some time with this guy, he has a long hair and lots of tattoos. He’s been very nice to me, listening to me rambling on and on with my existential crisis. He made a move on me two nights ago, and for whatever reason, I let it happen. And I let it happen again the following evening. Ma, he’s not the kind of guy you’d want to see me with, but he’s a really kind person. I’m trying to avoid him cause I just don’t want to be sucked in the same drama I know how it will end.

I met up with a boy I met on Tinder. We had a couple of beers, and ended up going back at my place, he fixed my sliding door and we watched  a really good French movie. We didn’t do anything else, Ma. He’s genuinely a nice guy. He’s been visiting me at home, but is very respectful. He’s been making me laugh a lot, too. Ma, he’s really young, but I can say he’s more mature than I am. It’s easy to talk to him about the past and the present. He’s a really good listener and I’ve been learning a lot from him, too. Ahh, ma, he’s so beautiful. And I don’t mean just physically (but you should see him, ma, he’s very good looking), he has this beautiful soul you can’t help but be attracted to. He sees goodness in things.

I’m coming home to you Mom in a few days, and I feel like it’s really time to come home. I don’t know what’ll happen to me in Manila, maybe all of this is just a dream, and going back home is me waking up. I’m feeling uncertain if I grew from this experience, or if I learned anything more that what I already know.

I don’t know how much I’ll take home from all of this, if I get to keep the beautiful connections I made and that scares me. I don’t know, ma. What do I do?

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Beauty in Being Lost

I told a good friend of mine how I’m feeling lost and she said I’ve been lost ever since I left the corporate world. I honestly don’t know if I agree with her or not, but then again, I guess there’s beauty in being lost.

My three weeks here in the island is almost coming  to an end, a whirlwind of happenings and emotions. So far, I lost a boyfriend, got a tattoo, lost a friend, gotten to realize the people who truly love and care for me, met new people along the way and I lost myself, oh, I also found out I last longer in hard drinks vs beer.

I’m very much tempted to ditch my flight back to Manila as I’m too scared to fly back. I’ve always complained how much Manila makes me miserable, and I’ll be honest, I’m not having the time of my life here in the island, and I’m feeling lonelier as ever. Yet, the idea of going back to Manila dreads me so much. I’ve thought of escape routes, like Cebu, Davao, and even Palawan, just anywhere except Manila. My family has yet to find out what happened to me and I’m really just tempted to send them a Viber message, just because.

I’m looking for opportunities and so far, the universe has given me an unconfirmed one. And I’m taking this as a sign from the universe that maybe, and just maybe, I need this. Maybe it’s for my sanity. Or something else. Or maybe, just maybe, this is just the beginning of something more beautiful, scarier, and a fulfilled life.

Five weeks.

Five weeks seemed like a short period of time, looking back, it actually flew by faster than I hoped. Two weeks turned three, three turned five. It wasn’t my plan to stay in Baler for five weeks. On my fourth week, I was contemplating if I should extend or if I should go back to Manila. I decided to leave, I said I wanted to miss Baler. I wanted to keep coming back for more. It’s only been a few days and I’m finding myself regretting that decision.

Miserable Manila is back.

I don’t know whether it’s the air, or the traffic, or the hustle, or the people that’s making me miserable in Manila. I have not left the house ever since I got back last Monday evening, only because I don’t feel like going out. The thought of the crowdedness and all the vehicles and whatnot stresses me out. It’s only been a few days and I already can’t wait to leave.

On the simple rural life.

When I got back, my dad and I were catching up and he remarked “Maybe that’s what you prefer, maybe you like the rural life”, and I do. I really do. I love going out on trips to different surf spots, going on picnics, being able to swim in the ocean whenever I want, walk to places, ride motorbikes, hangout on a friend’s house because they’re your neighbours, playing with kids. I mean, it’s not always rainbows and butterflies in the province, but I like how I don’t have to rush. I like how everything I need is accessible, and I don’t mean the luxuries within reach here in the city, but my necessities – like food to cook, water to drink, ocean to play on.

Indefinite plans for the future

I have this strong feeling of wanting to go back, but I feel like I would on the time (?). I’ve yet to plan it, but in my head, Baler is one of the places I would want to settle down in.

I MOVED (WELL, NOT REALLY)

I’m taking a mental health break from all the back log of work(s). Yes, I have two jobs and another on the side. I always thought freelancers have it easier, and now I hate myself for judging them. I now have high regard for people who work outside of the office. They don’t have it easier, they just have control of their time. Everyone is fighting their own battles, be it commuting to work or juggling online work.

I arrived last Saturday in Baler, and between catching up with the kids, working, doing mundane tasks such as helping in the kitchen and tidying up the room and barely surfing, everything’s been well. I am liking this simple life. We got invited last Monday to a birthday party of a girl who we didn’t (personally) know! Been eating well thanks to those who cook for me, and I’m enjoying the “family dinner” we’ve been having every night. I am extremely blessed I have these kids who take care of me. Sleeping is another story tho, we’re all cramped in my room, but no one has been complaining.

The other night, the power went out. We did what we could to amuse ourselves, singing our hearts out, talking about food before eventually one by one they managed to sleep.  The power went back as soon as some were almost asleep, one managed to sleep through the humidity. I was the last one to sleep cause gotta adult first. 

I’ve been *trying* to vlog. It’s just that some moments aren’t meant to be missed fiddling with my phone or camera just trying to capture it. Safe to say, I kinda suck at vlogging. I still have a few weeks to go. 

I tried surfing again after x months of not surfing + wrist pain from typing too much. I did manage to reach the lineup, the current just was too strong and I got too exhausted so I just decided to paddle in.

Some days are more laid back than others, I don’t have a routine. Some days you’ll find me in Charlie Does (a coffee shop here) or in Smart (a resort) or just at home. I feel like all my mother’s lesson has been helping me, preparing food, tidying up just a little bit, being more responsible and considerate to others too. Speaking of mother, she’s been constantly texting me asking me when I’ll come home,  my reply is always “indefinitely”.

I realised that this is my life now, I’m away from the comfort of my home and away from my family, which still makes me sad, I miss my parents, my brothers and my nephews. But I feel like I have to do this.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know how I’ll end this entry. Maybe I’ll start writing again. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week. Maybe I won’t. Who knows?

xx