What It’s Like To Hit Rock Bottom

I am in deep rut. And for the first time in a while, I feel really alone.

I always say how much in deep shit I am but I feel like nobody has been taking me seriously, probably because I seem fine. I am just holding myself together cause I have no one but myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely blessed that I found people that takes care of me, and has never left my side. But right now, I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown.

For once, I would like to be able to talk to someone and not hear “Yeah, me too” or “I’m going through something too”, cause no shit. I know we’re all going through something, I know we’re all up against something. But for once, I’d like for someone to actually listen to me. Cause relating to someone’s problem or talking about your own isn’t good listening. I also don’t need any advice, cause I fucking know what I need to do. I just need to let shit out.

I have hit rock fucking bottom, and if I’m being honest, I don’t know where to start talking about it. I told a good friend about this, that the reason why I haven’t actually opened up is because I haven’t forgiven myself. I guess the biggest person I failed, is me. And that’s the worst kind. I fucked up real bad cause I tried to rely on others rather than relying on myself.

I sound super fucking contradicting and this might be the shittiest entry I’ve ever done, but I am defeated. I don’t know what to do with myself.

Don’t worry, I’m not gonna kill myself. Shipping my body from the island to Manila might be too costly and I don’t wanna burden my parents with that.


And then I wonder, why am I bothered? Why should I give that power over people, for them to affect me.

I’ve been trying to live my life the way I want it, so long as I’m not hurting anyone or stepping on anyone’s foot. I’ve learned how to stop letting other people’s opinion get to me. Why? Cause I truly believe that how people choose to live their life is a personal choice, and I or other people have no say to it.

I honestly feel stupid for writing about this cause I feel like I’m giving in to other people’s desire to have this entitlement of how I choose to live my life, who to love, how to deal with my anxiety and depression, what to do during my spare time, little things.

I don’t tell people how to live their life, why do they feel like they can tell me how to live mine? Because I wear my heart on my sleeve? Or because “I put myself out there” by being in social media too much, or writing about these things. And it doesn’t mean I don’t care about how they choose to live their life, but as much as I do care, it isn’t mine, people are supposed to make mistakes and learn from it, on their own. I guess same idea applies, so long as they’re not hurting anyone in the process, or using others to get ahead, it is in their own judgment on how they should be living their lives.

I honestly don’t know how to end this, I’m at a loss as to what to think. (Please see first line.)


Life Update

I’ve been wanting to write a million things, my brain has been overflowing with thoughts wanting to be expressed but the stress over the littlest things has been taking the best of me. I’m beating myself up for not writing enough or not writing at all, for worrying too much or too little, for letting my mental health and my emotions control me. I guess I’m worried about the things I have so little control of, and even if I don’t say it, people leaving is affecting me more than I’m admitting.

If you have seen the things I wrote previously, you would know I have someone. An understatement to what our relationship is. Simply put, I have someone who I love and who loves me as much and has been amazing in expressing it the best he possibly could, given our situation. I almost forgot how lovely it is, but a part of me is scared, thinking this might be too good to be true. Writing this makes me realize how fucked up our brains are sometimes. Here I am in a situation where I can only hope for before, but I’m letting my anxiety get me. He’s been wonderful beyond words, I must say.

I am thinking living in paradise and realizing life isn’t what it seems has finally caught on me. I’m slowly coming in to terms that this is my life now, this is where I live, Siargao is my home for now. I’m grateful for its abundance of beauty, but like what I said, life isn’t what it seems living in paradise.

I know time and time again, I keep saying how exhausted I am of being an adult. Where do I unsubscribe cause shit’s exhausting. But I like the independence, I like living alone. It has it ups and downs, and it’s miserable getting sick alone.

I feel like I barely scratched the surface of what I truly want to talk about, but maybe this is good for now. Another reason for me to write some more.


Darling, Thank You For Breaking My Heart

I was watching a video of the Wong Fu Productions called “From Here on Out” and this line stuck by me,

You gave me a friendship during a very difficult time, and this is my way of saying thanks. I don’t know when and where we’ll see each other again, all I know is when we do, we’ll both have grown in ways we’ve never expected.

You know what I realized, if it weren’t for me being heartbroken over you, I wouldn’t have made that spontaneous trip to Baler, I wouldn’t have met my new found friends. I wouldn’t have spent so much time in the cafe that I realized bussing tables and waitressing was something I would’ve enjoyed.

I wouldn’t have pushed myself to renew my passport and spend over three weeks in La Union, I wouldn’t have known the lovely people there. I have gotten to know myself through going through the struggles, I have learned to accept things along the way.

I have learned that with this much love I have, the universe gives back as much. With this much love I have given, the universe gave me back as much, in the form of people, new friendships, connections, and the beauty of nature.

Darling, I told you, you will always have a place in my heart. My love for you is always. I’m sorry for not seeing it, but you’re more than a blessing to me, and for that, I am grateful. You showed me that my heart is bigger than it seems, you made me welcome more people to love.


Dear twenty three year old self,


I know you’re thinking you’re living your life, but believe me, your adventure is yet to start. Don’t even bother with that boy you know from the past, his on-and-off girlfriend is pregnant. You’ll also meet someone who will make you laugh. You’ll fall in love with him but he’ll hurt you along the way. Be patient with him, learn how to forgive him fully. Things will not work out, and if you can leave, leave right away. You’re probably thinking he’s the guy you want to marry, but no. It’s not meant to happen. You’ll be alright, don’t worry. If you could, maybe leave that job you’re excited to get as soon as you feel it’s right. Trust your gut, believe me, your gut will save your ass from all the stress and unhappiness.

You’re not safe from what people call “the quarter-life crisis”, but you’ll learn a lot from it. You’ll find out what you want. People will question your choices, and you will prove them wrong. Your love for surfing, even if you don’t surf as much, will take you places. You will come to know yourself more.

Learn how to drive a motorbike, it will come handy. You will suck at surfing, and it’s okay, don’t take it seriously, don’t be too hard on yourself. Maybe work on your upper body strength to help you with it. Also, learn how to cook, and don’t be lazy.

The independence you’ve been yearning will come to you soon, don’t worry, Mom and Dad will try their best to understand you, just make them realize why you want this, explain it with a level head. (Surprise, you’re living in an island after four years!)


Don’t be afraid to meet people, you’ll love it. You’ll be able to manage your social anxiety, just be yourself, the right people will love you for it.

Above everything else, learn how to forgive yourself. Your choices are yours, how you choose to live your life is up to you. You will fuck up, definitely. You’ll fuck up more than you hope, and it’s okay. Take it as a learning experience. Love yourself and you’ll be fine.



Your twenty-seven-year-old self


You’ve Been Unexpectedly Beautiful, 2017

If I say that 2017 has been a whirlwind of emotions, that would be an understatement. I feel like I always write a year-end entry talking about how bla bla bla. 2017 has been a breath of fresh air for me, especially the latter part of the year. Earlier this year, I tried to ‘travel-solo’ but not really cause I went to Baler, and the kids were with me, looking out for me. Now that I’m thinking about it, my midyear literally just flew by.

The latter part of this year, I got out of an almost four year relationship, forced myself into solo travel and fell in love too quickly with someone else. I also went to more parties than I have in the last 5 years, had one too many guys in my life, and I’ve also had more beers than I have in the last 4 years-ish. I also tried things I’ve been meaning to try but always had an excuse not to. I renewed my passport, stayed at a hostel, met a lot of wonderful people, managed my anxiety better, talked to cute boys and went out on dates.

I’ll admit, I lost a lot of people in my life because of the breakup and because of my choices, but I think it speaks volumes and it’s okay. People that we lose aren’t meant to stay. In return, I’ve met tons of wonderful and kind people, people who see past whatever my choices were and still accept me regardless. I have learned a lot about myself as the year was nearing its end. I have also come in to terms with my feelings and anxiety. I am slowly learning to not compartmentalize what I feel about things, sometimes, things are just are. I am also learning how to slow myself down when I’m over thinking and over analyzing a situation. (Key words: Trying and slowly.)

This year is a year for growth and getting to know myself more. It isn’t as bad as I was expecting. I mean, when I became single, I fell in love right away to another boy, which is a little bit out of character. Well, everything happening to me because of my choices are out of character, but I guess that’s how you grow. Anyway, the boy who I fell in love with ended up breaking my heart, I can’t blame him, he has his life ahead of him, and he cannot afford an ‘excess baggage’. My anxiety worsened and I relied on beer to put me to sleep. I went to La Union to try things differently. There I met a lot of wonderful souls who’ve helped me understand what’s going on and has guided me on how to manage whatever is happening in my head. I met another guy, who’s worth mentioning as he’s been making me genuinely laugh the past few weeks. I will be honest, I do not see a future with him as our arrangement is quite interesting – to say the least. But, it doesn’t scare me, for now, I’m making the most out of the time we’re together.

I’ve met and became friends with beautiful souls who are beyond lovely, who listens to my stories no matter how senseless they are, tries to give me brotherly and sisterly opinions, who encouraged me to go after what I want, be more sociable and things like that. I am forever grateful to these people, my friends from the hostel, who always puts me in the bawang committee, who makes me laugh and lets me be myself.

I feel like this entry is all over the place. There’s so much to say, it’s just that I’m at a loss for words right now. 2017 has been insane and messy yet beautiful at the same time. It’s a year of self learning and growing, filtering out what people has to say, hearing the words of encouragement as they’re coming from a place of love.

For the first time in a really long time, I am excited for the coming new year. I’m looking forward to you, 2018.