What Even I Can’t Explain

Last night, while casually hanging out with a friend, I felt an episode coming in. The thing about my episodes, more often than not, they’re not triggered by anything. Unlike what other people think, my anxiety and depression may or may not be triggered by my “awful choices”.

What’s more frustrating is no one sees what’s going on inside. On the outside, I still laugh and smile, and do the best I can to be a functioning adult. On the inside, I am fucking struggling, and I constantly feel like wanting to throw up, I feel like there’s something weighing down my chest and it is ridiculously difficult to breathe. I just want to be in bed right now, and cry maybe, or sleep, or I don’t know. I just don’t want to see people, and I just want to wallow in this shiftiest that I’m feeling. I don’t want to sound melodramatic, but fuck me, I can’t even explain what’s going on in my head.

As much as I really just want to be with myself, I’m afraid of the loneliness creeping in. As much as I just want to dump all responsibilities aside, I can’t. I have to fend for myself cause this independent shit as much as I love it, is fucking killing me.

And I fucking hate myself for letting others get to me, more often than not, I couldn’t care what other people think. As much as I want others to understand what I’m going through, it’s what even I can’t explain.

Advertisements

And then I wonder, why am I bothered? Why should I give that power over people, for them to affect me.

I’ve been trying to live my life the way I want it, so long as I’m not hurting anyone or stepping on anyone’s foot. I’ve learned how to stop letting other people’s opinion get to me. Why? Cause I truly believe that how people choose to live their life is a personal choice, and I or other people have no say to it.

I honestly feel stupid for writing about this cause I feel like I’m giving in to other people’s desire to have this entitlement of how I choose to live my life, who to love, how to deal with my anxiety and depression, what to do during my spare time, little things.

I don’t tell people how to live their life, why do they feel like they can tell me how to live mine? Because I wear my heart on my sleeve? Or because “I put myself out there” by being in social media too much, or writing about these things. And it doesn’t mean I don’t care about how they choose to live their life, but as much as I do care, it isn’t mine, people are supposed to make mistakes and learn from it, on their own. I guess same idea applies, so long as they’re not hurting anyone in the process, or using others to get ahead, it is in their own judgment on how they should be living their lives.

I honestly don’t know how to end this, I’m at a loss as to what to think. (Please see first line.)

mari_fotor

Life Update

I’ve been wanting to write a million things, my brain has been overflowing with thoughts wanting to be expressed but the stress over the littlest things has been taking the best of me. I’m beating myself up for not writing enough or not writing at all, for worrying too much or too little, for letting my mental health and my emotions control me. I guess I’m worried about the things I have so little control of, and even if I don’t say it, people leaving is affecting me more than I’m admitting.

If you have seen the things I wrote previously, you would know I have someone. An understatement to what our relationship is. Simply put, I have someone who I love and who loves me as much and has been amazing in expressing it the best he possibly could, given our situation. I almost forgot how lovely it is, but a part of me is scared, thinking this might be too good to be true. Writing this makes me realize how fucked up our brains are sometimes. Here I am in a situation where I can only hope for before, but I’m letting my anxiety get me. He’s been wonderful beyond words, I must say.

I am thinking living in paradise and realizing life isn’t what it seems has finally caught on me. I’m slowly coming in to terms that this is my life now, this is where I live, Siargao is my home for now. I’m grateful for its abundance of beauty, but like what I said, life isn’t what it seems living in paradise.

I know time and time again, I keep saying how exhausted I am of being an adult. Where do I unsubscribe cause shit’s exhausting. But I like the independence, I like living alone. It has it ups and downs, and it’s miserable getting sick alone.

I feel like I barely scratched the surface of what I truly want to talk about, but maybe this is good for now. Another reason for me to write some more.

mari_fotor

I wish I could write about you.
You truly were unexpected. I may always say that, but you really are. You stepped up in a situation where you didn’t have to, you were too kind. You took me home in the rain even if I was out of your way.
I wish I could write about you.
How much laughter and stories we shared. How much everything reminds me of you. How much I miss you everyday and how much our last conversation keeps playing in my head. How much I wish things are different, or better.
I wish I could write about you.
I wish I had more words to say, but every time I do, I feel you slipping away.

Darling, Thank You For Breaking My Heart

I was watching a video of the Wong Fu Productions called “From Here on Out” and this line stuck by me,

You gave me a friendship during a very difficult time, and this is my way of saying thanks. I don’t know when and where we’ll see each other again, all I know is when we do, we’ll both have grown in ways we’ve never expected.

You know what I realized, if it weren’t for me being heartbroken over you, I wouldn’t have made that spontaneous trip to Baler, I wouldn’t have met my new found friends. I wouldn’t have spent so much time in the cafe that I realized bussing tables and waitressing was something I would’ve enjoyed.

I wouldn’t have pushed myself to renew my passport and spend over three weeks in La Union, I wouldn’t have known the lovely people there. I have gotten to know myself through going through the struggles, I have learned to accept things along the way.

I have learned that with this much love I have, the universe gives back as much. With this much love I have given, the universe gave me back as much, in the form of people, new friendships, connections, and the beauty of nature.

Darling, I told you, you will always have a place in my heart. My love for you is always. I’m sorry for not seeing it, but you’re more than a blessing to me, and for that, I am grateful. You showed me that my heart is bigger than it seems, you made me welcome more people to love.

mari_fotor

Dear twenty three year old self,

1239805_1424989394394233_755939836_n

I know you’re thinking you’re living your life, but believe me, your adventure is yet to start. Don’t even bother with that boy you know from the past, his on-and-off girlfriend is pregnant. You’ll also meet someone who will make you laugh. You’ll fall in love with him but he’ll hurt you along the way. Be patient with him, learn how to forgive him fully. Things will not work out, and if you can leave, leave right away. You’re probably thinking he’s the guy you want to marry, but no. It’s not meant to happen. You’ll be alright, don’t worry. If you could, maybe leave that job you’re excited to get as soon as you feel it’s right. Trust your gut, believe me, your gut will save your ass from all the stress and unhappiness.

You’re not safe from what people call “the quarter-life crisis”, but you’ll learn a lot from it. You’ll find out what you want. People will question your choices, and you will prove them wrong. Your love for surfing, even if you don’t surf as much, will take you places. You will come to know yourself more.

Learn how to drive a motorbike, it will come handy. You will suck at surfing, and it’s okay, don’t take it seriously, don’t be too hard on yourself. Maybe work on your upper body strength to help you with it. Also, learn how to cook, and don’t be lazy.

The independence you’ve been yearning will come to you soon, don’t worry, Mom and Dad will try their best to understand you, just make them realize why you want this, explain it with a level head. (Surprise, you’re living in an island after four years!)

27858755_2309021165991047_5748197116346119880_n

Don’t be afraid to meet people, you’ll love it. You’ll be able to manage your social anxiety, just be yourself, the right people will love you for it.

Above everything else, learn how to forgive yourself. Your choices are yours, how you choose to live your life is up to you. You will fuck up, definitely. You’ll fuck up more than you hope, and it’s okay. Take it as a learning experience. Love yourself and you’ll be fine.

25592142_2279783865581444_5376049938721908438_n

Love,

Your twenty-seven-year-old self

mari_fotor

Don’t Fall In Love With A Traveler

I made the mistake of falling for one, and when I look back, here are the things I realized..

Highly likely, you’re not part of the plan.

They have plane tickets booked in advance, even before you happened. They already have plans, and chances are, you will not be a part of it.

You will have to rely on WhatsApp or Instagram to talk to them. 

Unless you’re not into that, stop.

They’re constantly moving, and if you don’t have the capacity to follow around, just don’t bother.

What I realized is I’m a traveler too, I like the company, I love having someone around. The difference is, I don’t have a plan, and even I can’t handle my uncertainty.

Don’t fall in love with me unless you can keep up.