The Strangers We Meet

Six days after getting back to Manila, I hopped on a bus and went to Baler, a small surf town in the north-eastern part of Luzon. The weather wasn’t perfect, I just wanted to get away. It was definitely unplanned and I had no place to stay or anything. I’m glad I had friends who covered me for the first few days, who also kept me sane and company. I moved to a hostel on my third day and kept pushing my stay. I ended up spending a lot of time in the cafe of the hostel, working or just hanging out and having beer. One local called me out on it as when we met the night before I had a bottle in hand, and when he saw me the following day, I have one again.

Being alone actually felt nice, of course some days are shittier than others and the nights are the loneliest, it’s when I miss TinderBoy the most. But also, being alone allowed me to meet and talk to people. As I was having a conversation with someone I met one evening, he asked, “Do you always talk to strangers?”, and I realized I have been talking to a lot of strangers. I met a really nice Burner, a Filipina – who by the way we’ve already interacted through FB, the stranger who asked me that question, and a group of friends from Manila.

I’ve been to Baler so much but that last trip was by far the most interesting experience, believe me when I say that, I’ve stayed in Baler for a little over a month, but this two week trip beat that. One extremely busy night in the cafe, I had no place to hang out since I no longer have a room to stay in, and I intend to travel back to Manila that evening, I ended up bussing tables, talking to customers, handing out utensils, calculating tabs, and even taking and serving small orders, all the while I was downing bottles of beers. As I was having a cigarette outside after what seemed like a very long night of just trying to kill time, someone greeted me and talked to me. We ended up having more beers, and he thought I was working for the cafe as he said I gave the menu to their party. We had a couple more beers and he invited me to meet his friends, all were very nice. They were concerned when they found out I had plans of leaving at midnight and insist on me staying in their room. Such sweet kids they were, I asked why they trust me so much. I ended up staying two more nights and hitching a ride with their group back to Manila.

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Defeated

You know when you want to write from the heart but you’re not too sure how you truly feel? A part of me still feels like shit over what happened, another part of me is a little angry or pissed off – and I guess that’s a good thing? I guess this is me trying to deal with this being heartbroken and shit. I feel like I have this lump in my throat and a heaviness in my chest that won’t go away, I constantly feel like throwing up too. Most days, I would wonder if you ever think of me. Or if you take screenshots of my stories, too. Some days, I worry about you. I have my moments of envy, that you’re having the time of your life while I’m feeling like shit and you do not give a rats ass.

Above all that, I still don’t hate you. I still care for you, and I worry for you. I still hope you’re having the grandest time cause you deserve it. I still would love to hear your stories about your day and your adventures. I still want to see your excited face and silly smile.

Now it makes me wonder, will I get over this. Will things be better for me? Or will I constantly feel heartbroken over something I never truly had, and will I always wonder what if’s and what could have beens.

I said goodbye to you, but I don’t know if I’m ready. Maybe if you tell me to let go or hang on, I can get a confirmation of what I really should feel or do. Help me, just this time.

Be Where You Want To Be

The world is your home, there are tons of opportunities everywhere, you just have to find something that suits you.

 

 

After living in an island for almost two months, which let’s admit, it’s a pretty short time. Something I’ve learned is you have to find a place where you’d rather be. I’ve repeatedly said this, but most of my time in Siargao, I was unhappy and have had on and off bad episodes of depression and anxiety. But then, some moments, I was thinking that I should be grateful because no matter how miserable I felt, I was surrounded by the beauty of nature and of people. Then it hit me, I’d rather be lonely in a place I choose, over being miserable in Manila.

 

 

I get asked if I even have a job and how I’m able to travel for weeks or months at a time. I do, I have a full time job, a part time job and a few responsibilities in between. One thing about ‘digital nomads’ is the continuous self improvement, getting new skills, learning new things, and sometimes, especially if you’re just starting out, you do it for free – as training. Which is what I’m trying to do, learn new things and earn experiences. I don’t have it easier, actually, when I was still working in my corporate job, it was waaaay easier. I go to work, finish my 8 hour shift, be done with it, and earn a lot. Now, I have to work my ass off, having two to three jobs is normal (and sometimes, not enough), so I can sustain my life of travel. I can stay at home and not have to worry about paying rent, but when I’m elsewhere, I have to pay rent, my food, the usual living expenses. I am on my own when I’m not at home, which makes it more liberating.

 

 

People have been telling me how rich I must be or I must have a shitton of money because I’m able to travel around and stay in places for long periods, but it’s not even about that. It’s really choosing what you’d rather spend your money on. In Siargao, my source of income was my full time job. And, I realized I could save more money if I’m wise with how I live. I could take more jobs to get an accommodation. There are millions of opportunites for you, you just have to know where to find them.

 

Right now, I’m feeling very undecided and uncertain as I can get another job in Manila, I’m getting that job to expand my skill set, and I’d really really love to get that job, however, that will tie me to Manila for an indefinite period of time. Another job opportunity is in Siargao, which I’ll be honest, I’m very tempted to take. But, same sentiments, I’m not sure if I want to live in Siargao for a little longer period. Maybe I’m still feeling heartbroken over what happened, and I don’t know if I want to return to Siargao. A small part of me does, and maybe this is the heartbreak talking, but I don’t think I’m ready yet.

 

Being around the ocean calms my soul. And that’s where I’d rather be. How about you, where would you rather be?

 

The People I Met in Siargao

I have been writing, rewriting, deleting, and leaving whatever I started for the past x days. It seems that I have no words to actually describe what I want to share. I was asked to share about my life in Siargao but I feel like it’s really nothing worth sharing. I didn’t have adventures nor toured around the island. I guess if I were to share what happened, it would be about the people I met.

I spent most of my time in Siargao either working or holed up in my room, to the point that the owner of the place I’m staying at got concerned that they only see me during meals, but then I’d disappear into my room again for three days straight. I have had bad episodes while I was in Siargao, where I had to force myself to do mundane daily tasks, which is why I’m almost always in bed sleeping or just laying around. If I didn’t make it clear enough, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost four years, along with some decisions I should or should have not done.

So, being the (ambivert) (forced) solo traveler that I am, I had to find ways how to socially charge, and I’ll introduce you to the people I met in Siargao. I may have given a background through my last entry, but I may or maybe giving more details here so I can introduce them properly.

Island boy reintroduced me to the hookup culture, something I knew back in the day (LOL), before I became in a relationship. My relationship with Island Boy was nothing but alcohol and sex. To the point where I had to go to a bar cause his ass was high and drunk and he booty texted me. My adventures with Island Boy was fun and crazy, nothing more. We barely talk, and I don’t think we really know each other. There are some quirks I noticed, Island Boy likes his eggs sunny side up with runny yolks, he mindlessly ‘claps’ his feet together before crawling in bed, I noticed him doing it quite a few times, he’s left handed, and he likes the perfect amount of cuddling, which isn’t too annoying, quite a good kisser too, I must say, he also like Adele’s Hello to put him to sleep. He snores heavily, and sometimes would talk in his sleep. I don’t regret being crazy with Island Boy, he taught me how to loosen up, and he’s the boy I wish I met when I was younger, who I made out in bars without care and who held me close when someone tries to flirt with me. He made me feel good when we’re together, but makes me feel like shit when we’re apart, the mind games, push and pulling was something I’m reminded of. And, like any fuckboys, Island Boy moves from one girl to another. And it’s not something I did or didn’t do, it’s just who he is.

Manong (I’d like to call him that, even tho I’m older than he is) was introduced to me by Island Boy. I didn’t truly mind him, he seemed nice. He’s the only one who didn’t tease me with Island Boy, and he’d say hi to me when he sees me. We bonded over bottles of beer talking about whatever, existential crisis included. I’ll be honest, I’m not all too sure if I lead Manong, but I don’t think so. I mean, I treated him as a friend, didn’t flirt with him or anything to my knowledge. I treated him as a really good friend, I enjoyed his company. One evening on a party, Manong became ‘touchy’, which I feel like is out of character. Somehow, I let him be. Maybe I enjoyed the attention. I feel a little betrayed as I started questioning his intentions, I feel like the ‘friendship’ was just to get in my pants. Manong was my wakeup call, I felt like my bad decisions were snowballing.

My wifey, is this lovely German lady who loves dancing. When she’s feeling bummed, she would dance the night away. She became my ‘wife’ as it was the easiest way for us to get rid of guys who just can’t take no for an answer. I remember telling someone, ‘Yeah, I’m sorry we’re married’. And that’s when the wife thing became a thing. She lives with her friend, and both ladies are lovely. Good listeners and have so much to say, too. They’d constantly remind me to not think about the problem, rather think about the solution. They kept me sane when shit hit the fan with Tinder Boy.

I want to talk about Tinder Boy but I don’t think I will, yet. We’re still kinda in each other’s lives and I’m uncertain with what we have, so until we get that shit together, I guess I’m not gonna talk about him fully, yet.

Of course, I met locals who are more than worth mentioning, people who’d annoy and tease me all the time. Would ask for cigarettes during parties. They’ve been nice to me (but would annoy the life out of me. CONSISTENTLY.) and my life in Siargao wouldn’t have been as interesting without them.

mari_fotor

 

Dear mom,

It’s been crazy out here, I’ve been making choices you wouldn’t be particularly proud of. I went partying two nights in a row, I wasn’t drunk or anything, but I know my choices and actions aren’t something you would approve of.
I don’t think I’ve mentioned Island Boy, the boy who broke my heart – just kidding, he kinda stepped on my ego. But then I realized it’s really not me, it’s him, it’s not about what I did or didn’t do, it’s just who he is. Other than the shitshow we had, he’s taught me how to be carefree and just to enjoy life. Our short-lived non-existent relationship reminded me who I was before being in a long term relationship, it’s actually nice.
I also spent quite some time with this guy, he has a long hair and lots of tattoos. He’s been very nice to me, listening to me rambling on and on with my existential crisis. He made a move on me two nights ago, and for whatever reason, I let it happen. And I let it happen again the following evening. Ma, he’s not the kind of guy you’d want to see me with, but he’s a really kind person. I’m trying to avoid him cause I just don’t want to be sucked in the same drama I know how it will end.
I met up with a boy I met on Tinder. We had a couple of beers, and ended up going back at my place, he fixed my sliding door and we watched  a really good French movie. We didn’t do anything else, Ma. He’s genuinely a nice guy. He’s been visiting me at home, but is very respectful. He’s been making me laugh a lot, too. Ma, he’s really young, but I can say he’s more mature than I am. It’s easy to talk to him about the past and the present. He’s a really good listener and I’ve been learning a lot from him, too. Ahh, ma, he’s so beautiful. And I don’t mean just physically (but you should see him, ma, he’s very good looking), he has this beautiful soul you can’t help but be attracted to. He sees goodness in things.
I’m coming home to you Mom in a few days, and I feel like it’s really time to come home. I don’t know what’ll happen to me in Manila, maybe all of this is just a dream, and going back home is me waking up. I’m feeling uncertain if I grew from this experience, or if I learned anything more that what I already know.
I don’t know how much I’ll take home from all of this, if I get to keep the beautiful connections I made and that scares me. I don’t know, ma. What do I do?

Beauty in Being Lost

I told a good friend of mine how I’m feeling lost and she said I’ve been lost ever since I left the corporate world. I honestly don’t know if I agree with her or not, but then again, I guess there’s beauty in being lost.
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My three weeks here in the island is almost coming  to an end, a whirlwind of happenings and emotions. So far, I lost a boyfriend, got a tattoo, lost a friend, gotten to realize the people who truly love and care for me, met new people along the way and I lost myself, oh, I also found out I last longer in hard drinks vs beer.
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I’m very much tempted to ditch my flight back to Manila as I’m too scared to fly back. I’ve always complained how much Manila makes me miserable, and I’ll be honest, I’m not having the time of my life here in the island, and I’m feeling lonelier as ever. Yet, the idea of going back to Manila dreads me so much. I’ve thought of escape routes, like Cebu, Davao, and even Palawan, just anywhere except Manila. My family has yet to find out what happened to me and I’m really just tempted to send them a Viber message, just because.
I’m looking for opportunities and so far, the universe has given me an unconfirmed one. And I’m taking this as a sign from the universe that maybe, and just maybe, I need this. Maybe it’s for my sanity. Or something else. Or maybe, just maybe, this is just the beginning of something more beautiful, scarier, and a fulfilled life.