Defeated

You know when you want to write from the heart but you’re not too sure how you truly feel? A part of me still feels like shit over what happened, another part of me is a little angry or pissed off – and I guess that’s a good thing? I guess this is me trying to deal with this being heartbroken and shit. I feel like I have this lump in my throat and a heaviness in my chest that won’t go away, I constantly feel like throwing up too. Most days, I would wonder if you ever think of me. Or if you take screenshots of my stories, too. Some days, I worry about you. I have my moments of envy, that you’re having the time of your life while I’m feeling like shit and you do not give a rats ass.

Above all that, I still don’t hate you. I still care for you, and I worry for you. I still hope you’re having the grandest time cause you deserve it. I still would love to hear your stories about your day and your adventures. I still want to see your excited face and silly smile.

Now it makes me wonder, will I get over this. Will things be better for me? Or will I constantly feel heartbroken over something I never truly had, and will I always wonder what if’s and what could have beens.

I said goodbye to you, but I don’t know if I’m ready. Maybe if you tell me to let go or hang on, I can get a confirmation of what I really should feel or do. Help me, just this time.

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Be Where You Want To Be

The world is your home, there are tons of opportunities everywhere, you just have to find something that suits you.

 

 

After living in an island for almost two months, which let’s admit, it’s a pretty short time. Something I’ve learned is you have to find a place where you’d rather be. I’ve repeatedly said this, but most of my time in Siargao, I was unhappy and have had on and off bad episodes of depression and anxiety. But then, some moments, I was thinking that I should be grateful because no matter how miserable I felt, I was surrounded by the beauty of nature and of people. Then it hit me, I’d rather be lonely in a place I choose, over being miserable in Manila.

 

 

I get asked if I even have a job and how I’m able to travel for weeks or months at a time. I do, I have a full time job, a part time job and a few responsibilities in between. One thing about ‘digital nomads’ is the continuous self improvement, getting new skills, learning new things, and sometimes, especially if you’re just starting out, you do it for free – as training. Which is what I’m trying to do, learn new things and earn experiences. I don’t have it easier, actually, when I was still working in my corporate job, it was waaaay easier. I go to work, finish my 8 hour shift, be done with it, and earn a lot. Now, I have to work my ass off, having two to three jobs is normal (and sometimes, not enough), so I can sustain my life of travel. I can stay at home and not have to worry about paying rent, but when I’m elsewhere, I have to pay rent, my food, the usual living expenses. I am on my own when I’m not at home, which makes it more liberating.

 

 

People have been telling me how rich I must be or I must have a shitton of money because I’m able to travel around and stay in places for long periods, but it’s not even about that. It’s really choosing what you’d rather spend your money on. In Siargao, my source of income was my full time job. And, I realized I could save more money if I’m wise with how I live. I could take more jobs to get an accommodation. There are millions of opportunites for you, you just have to know where to find them.

 

Right now, I’m feeling very undecided and uncertain as I can get another job in Manila, I’m getting that job to expand my skill set, and I’d really really love to get that job, however, that will tie me to Manila for an indefinite period of time. Another job opportunity is in Siargao, which I’ll be honest, I’m very tempted to take. But, same sentiments, I’m not sure if I want to live in Siargao for a little longer period. Maybe I’m still feeling heartbroken over what happened, and I don’t know if I want to return to Siargao. A small part of me does, and maybe this is the heartbreak talking, but I don’t think I’m ready yet.

 

Being around the ocean calms my soul. And that’s where I’d rather be. How about you, where would you rather be?

 

I once was a corporate slave

PAINT AND PAPER

Let me talk about something I’ve always been open talking about, my “career choice”.  A brief history, I started working at the age of 18, I initially worked as part time in a (huge) BPO. At that time, I skipped college wanting to earn money and the company wasn’t hiring undergraduates, a year and a half in to it, I worked full time. Stayed for three years before leaving. Took a six month break, moved to a different company, stayed there for eight months – I didn’t like the commute, the “stress” of the work and being drunk everyday wasn’t helping me either. Then I moved to another call center – not a BPO but the job was the same, job security and the pay was great. A year or two in to the company, I felt that it was becoming repetitive and it made me unhappy. It was only on my third year when I actually had the guts to leave.

You read an article, you follow a blogger and you see them living their lives. You get envious. It makes you wonder, how there’s so much more to life than taking in calls and resolving other people’s problems. How what you’re doing shouldn’t define your life. And that the work-life balance they’re claiming at work is all bullshit.

I get questions here and there as to why I left the corporate world and why I left such opportunity to be working in a company that pays well with great benefits. My generic answer would be, cause it made me unhappy. It’s the truth. No amount of money can actually compensate my happiness, plus working at night really took its toll on my health. Some people would raise their eyebrows when they read that. How impractical it is. And how idealistic I can be. Imagine this, if you’re earning xxx amount of money, but you’re always buying medicine for xxx amount cause your body is failing you, does that sound practical?

I am earning much less, I have a part time job and a few on the side (which is seasonal), but for the past 8 months, I’ve only had a few fever and colds, nothing that seawater can cure. I feel better. My wellness, my body, my mind, all feel well. I may have moments of sadness – only because Manila makes me so sad, but I get a good night sleep – and actually sleep at night. I can schedule beach trips at any time without having to worry about filing for leaves and having them approved. I can stay in the province for days or even weeks at a time.

People would ask, when are you applying again to xxx (previous company). Or where do I plan to apply next. My answer for now is not anytime or any company soon. I don’t intend to work at a huge corporation anymore. I work for a startup company now. I work directly under the CEO. And it makes me feel important. Working for a smaller company made me feel valued. I am not someone indispensable (at least that’s how I feel). My tasks and my projects are my own. My opinions and inputs are taken with so much consideration. There’s this sense of responsibility and accountability working for a smaller company. (Okay, enough gushing – my boss may read this. LOL)

We all have decisions to make, we all have responsibilities, we all have mouths to feed or others that rely on us. We’re all fighting a different battle. I am not in the position to dictate you to leave your job. I am not encouraging you to do it. But I am gonna say, leave something that makes you unhappy. If you can’t do it yet, then wait it out. You know when the time is right. You’ll know. You’ll feel it. Don’t do it cause others did. If you’re the kind of person who has to have a plan, then have one. Set a timeline, have a goal. Cause everything will fall in its proper place at the right time.

mari_fotor

Hello 2017

Hello~ I’m taking a “break” from the presentation/document that I’m working on for tomorrow’s meeting. I did promise myself to blog about the new year. As mentioned in the previous blog, I’m done with 2016 but I still feel like I wanna blog about it. Some other time, maybe!

sunset-chaser

Anyway, here I am on a relatively nearby Starbucks cause I need to get sh*t done and it cannot be done by the sight of my bed. And I know this is one of the struggles of those who work at home. If I were somewhere else (read: NOT IN MANILA), I’d be motivated AF to work, but nope. I have to be here for now.

When I left my corporate job (here we go again!), it opened up the doors to millions of possibilities. And to be honest, even I wasn’t expecting to have that much opportunities. S/O to my boss who understands my hatred for Manila (LOL). Seriously, I’m extremely grateful to have this kind of life.

Anyway, for this year, I promise myself to document as much adventures as I could, not to earn likes or anything, but for me. I want to have things to look back on, so I can see how far I’ve gone. I am looking forward to more quality travels. I just lost the excitement to visit different places, at this point. I’m more looking forward to going back to places I’ve been to, get to know them better and see what else they can offer. I do intend to stay in one place for a while *fingers crossed*. I am praying it’ll push through. Other factors to consider are internet connection and workload.

I have so much to write about, maybe some other time. Break’s over!!

mari_fotor