I’ve been wanting to write a million things, my brain has been overflowing with thoughts wanting to be expressed but the stress over the littlest things has been taking the best of me. I’m beating myself up for not writing enough or not writing at all, for worrying too much or too little, for letting my mental health and my emotions control me. I guess I’m worried about the things I have so little control of, and even if I don’t say it, people leaving is affecting me more than I’m admitting.
If you have seen the things I wrote previously, you would know I have someone. An understatement to what our relationship is. Simply put, I have someone who I love and who loves me as much and has been amazing in expressing it the best he possibly could, given our situation. I almost forgot how lovely it is, but a part of me is scared, thinking this might be too good to be true. Writing this makes me realize how fucked up our brains are sometimes. Here I am in a situation where I can only hope for before, but I’m letting my anxiety get me. He’s been wonderful beyond words, I must say.
I am thinking living in paradise and realizing life isn’t what it seems has finally caught on me. I’m slowly coming in to terms that this is my life now, this is where I live, Siargao is my home for now. I’m grateful for its abundance of beauty, but like what I said, life isn’t what it seems living in paradise.
I know time and time again, I keep saying how exhausted I am of being an adult. Where do I unsubscribe cause shit’s exhausting. But I like the independence, I like living alone. It has it ups and downs, and it’s miserable getting sick alone.
I feel like I barely scratched the surface of what I truly want to talk about, but maybe this is good for now. Another reason for me to write some more.
Mari Adriano 